Waves of sadness

Waves of sadness

I grew up with the idea
that I had to resist certain feelings
especially sad or “negative” ones.


So we end up not being very connected to them,
even though I think we should be.

Usually, when someone is crying,
Someone else tries to shut it down
and says,

“Don’t cry.”


Take kids, for example.

Mothers feel sad when their babies cry,
even though crying at that age
Is their language
the way they express their needs.


And it’s completely normal
in the journey of growing up human.

Friends will ask you to stop crying.
People will comfort you by saying
that no one “nothing.”
deserves your tears.


I know all that.

I’ve been there.
I know how it feels.


But then I had a big wave of depression
When I was younger
so deep
that I forgot what joy felt like.


Even during those waves,
I was somehow calm in certain ways,
as if God was protecting me from myself.

Sadness became proof
that I existed.

So I wrote a lot,
many sad things.


One day, a friend I knew back then
stopped talking to me.


He said:

“You’re too dark.
You carry so much sadness
that I can’t handle it.”


I forgot what I wrote.

I didn’t care.

I just wanted to express myself
And I did.


As life passed by,
I learned to understand my feelings
and emotions.

I allowed my dark side
to exist.


I discovered an app called “How Do You Feel?”

It helped me understand
that feelings are simply different
not good or bad.


Just combinations of
high or low energy,
pleasant or unpleasant.


For me, it’s like looking at the moon
and knowing it’s just a moon

not trying to turn it into the sun.

And trusting that the sun
will rise the next day.


This is nature.

And somehow,
This is life.


I began accepting all the waves
even the big ones.

The ones I understand
where they come from,

and the ones that hit me hard
without explanation.


I lost many people I loved.

I cried a lot.

I had moments
where life felt gray afterward.

I was sad
God knows how many times.

And sadness became
a large part of me
for a while.


Sometimes I’d stand by the kitchen window,
And sudden tears would fall.

I couldn’t tell


Was I missing my grandfather?
Was it everything I’d been through?
Was it the wave I was currently in?

Or was it just vitamin D?

I don’t always know.


But I know it comes from somewhere
I haven’t discovered yet.

Life is a long journey.


And until then,

I will keep looking.

Crying whenever I feel like it.


And accepting
these waves of sadness.

To all the versions I once was;

I HAVE NO ENERGY LEFT

“I HAVE NO ENERGY LEFT” I said that after doing my best. I have no fight left in me for those who have no dignity, for those who are different in a good or bad way, just different. The ones who don’t align with my values. The ones who choose themselves over others, Who listens to one side and refuse to hear the other. Who thinks twice before giving, who think twice before loving, who think twice about sharing their food not only that, but carry such heavy moods they make you question your own goodness, as if it’s not enough, or not as worthy as theirs. Those who see the world differently who decides who is right and who is wrong, who deserves land more than another, Who deserves a visa? a paper, or even a mother. To the politicians’ anger. To women-haters. I had no energy left in me. To those who cannot dream. To those who do not dare. To live life I wish to spare myself. To the greedy. To the needy. To the ones who do not dare to dream, yet still dare to scream!
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To all the versions I once were;

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