Love for life!

 Growth is painful!

I’m writing this after coming back from a long ride to the airport to drop my dear soulmate sister

Holding a cigarette alone by myself. 

The cigarette that she left with the desire that I want her smell 

Or anything to hold the pain I feel on my ride back. 

I was looking at this light cigarette

I know that I don’t know how to smoke at all, and it feels so weird to me

But I did it anyway

A song of Home playing as my background, repeating this:

“ I make a home inside my heart

I make a home for me

I make a home for us

And I will fill that home with all my love

I'll fill that home for me

I'll fill that home for us

and I’m gonna run

where I haven′t run before

I wanna scream, 

from the top of my lungs, 

I want the truth

Cause I wanna grow, 

I want to make love,

until my heart explodes”. 


These were the last words I told her before she left. 

I feel my heart. is expanding with this love that I have for her

It makes me alive and living. 

This kind of love makes me feel many new things I've never felt before

A feeling so new to my heart that I am experiencing it. 

I feel full of this love

That carries me in this world

That makes me so lucky to feel and experience all of that

And sad at the same time as the pain that comes with this love

The grieving of the goodbyes

The grieving of missing so many loved ones

The grieving when you feel so apart on this planet

And you can’t be next to each other. 

But also make me feel that my love is traveling with the people I love; 

They will carry me on their road as I will carry them,

I will love them along the way

And this love brings me so much joy.

To all the versions I once was;

I HAVE NO ENERGY LEFT

“I HAVE NO ENERGY LEFT” I said that after doing my best. I have no fight left in me for those who have no dignity, for those who are different in a good or bad way, just different. The ones who don’t align with my values. The ones who choose themselves over others, Who listens to one side and refuse to hear the other. Who thinks twice before giving, who think twice before loving, who think twice about sharing their food not only that, but carry such heavy moods they make you question your own goodness, as if it’s not enough, or not as worthy as theirs. Those who see the world differently who decides who is right and who is wrong, who deserves land more than another, Who deserves a visa? a paper, or even a mother. To the politicians’ anger. To women-haters. I had no energy left in me. To those who cannot dream. To those who do not dare. To live life I wish to spare myself. To the greedy. To the needy. To the ones who do not dare to dream, yet still dare to scream!
Read more

Take wisdom from the mouths of crazy people

"It’s not about being right; it's about observing people." -Vailcan people- It was the first thing this drunk man said. It was kind of interesting. He came closer and kept talking. The first thought that came to my mind was: “Take wisdom from the mouths of crazy people.” Somehow, it was true until it wasn’t. He talked a lot, mostly about his personal journey and life, which was of no interest to me at all, But I let him speak. Until he suddenly raised his voice at me and said: “Why the fucking Muslim prays in the street in front of the cathedral and not in the fucking mosque?” He said it angrily. I kept listening. I kept observing. It took me years of my life to learn how to stay calm in such moments when it comes to almost any topic. I don’t react easily. I don’t get angry, especially in the last few years, After burnout taught me silence. I listened to the voice in my head, looked into his eyes, and wondered: What do I see there? Racism? Fear? Ignorance? All of it? I wo...
Read more

To all the versions I once were;

 To all the versions I once was; To the saddest of me, the one who suffered a lot, experienced many emotions for the first time The first time, I couldn’t handle a rejection The first time I was sad about living The first time I experienced loss and death When my grandma passed away, I went to the kitchen to bake a cake, and my mom hit me and told me I was disrespectful! But I was 11 back then, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. No one taught me because no one could. To the first fear, when I first lost my mom at the shops, no one was holding my hand I was scared to death, to feel left behind, to feel the fear in every inch That fear comes with madness, and a lot of crying, you look around like crazy But my 4-year-old me didn’t know better Didn’t know how to come up with ideas beyond imagination, and then I was terrified. To the happy one, once. When I was elected in a competition, and my grandpa cried with happiness He gave me my first phone. And I remember the first time when...
Read more