After seeing death; I felt alive!

 Life drove me forward for a really long time.

I didn't watch my back back then.

I saw the darkest nights that scared me so much

And I saw the brightest days that brought so much joy into my life.

I believed the devil was my angel.

I believed that my angel was pretending for quite a while.

I saw my bad thoughts and tried hard to accept them.

I saw my worries, my fears, and my overnight tears, but I didn't understand them.

I saw the love smile many times.

I thought I loved a lot, and that love filled me as well.

I saw my body changing, and I saw how I loved it sometimes

And other times, I just felt sorry that I couldn't commit to healing it

As I should have.

I hated regretting so much, as I hated blaming and reproaching

And that was enough reason for me to leave or to ask them to go.

I didn't ask someone to stay because if I could

I would ask the people who died to stay, but I knew my limits.


After seeing death;

I lost my feeling of being alive

And I don't know how and when this feeling will ever come back.

I'm trying, almost! Every day, but it's just making me feel "careless!"

I was like a child many times

Sid many stupid things in my life

Funny and happy things.

I grew up very fast, and from all that

I just wanted to live a good life, a life that when I see death one more time

I feel I lived quite well

And I'm satisfied and maybe Happy.

I wanted to feel the power when I saw the places that were so hard for me to let go of

To smile at the people who I left behind once again

To the food, I stopped eating and looking at it

And I don't feel like before anymore.

I wanted to see the sunset and hope for a better tomorrow

To feel the water without fear of drowning

To feel my spirit light so that I can fly. I wanted to smell the people I loved so much once more

Before letting them go

I want the life that I lost up there somewhere back!


When your heart starts questioning life, you should respond!


September 2023

To all the versions I once was;

I HAVE NO ENERGY LEFT

“I HAVE NO ENERGY LEFT” I said that after doing my best. I have no fight left in me for those who have no dignity, for those who are different in a good or bad way, just different. The ones who don’t align with my values. The ones who choose themselves over others, Who listens to one side and refuse to hear the other. Who thinks twice before giving, who think twice before loving, who think twice about sharing their food not only that, but carry such heavy moods they make you question your own goodness, as if it’s not enough, or not as worthy as theirs. Those who see the world differently who decides who is right and who is wrong, who deserves land more than another, Who deserves a visa? a paper, or even a mother. To the politicians’ anger. To women-haters. I had no energy left in me. To those who cannot dream. To those who do not dare. To live life I wish to spare myself. To the greedy. To the needy. To the ones who do not dare to dream, yet still dare to scream!
Read more

Take wisdom from the mouths of crazy people

"It’s not about being right; it's about observing people." -Vailcan people- It was the first thing this drunk man said. It was kind of interesting. He came closer and kept talking. The first thought that came to my mind was: “Take wisdom from the mouths of crazy people.” Somehow, it was true until it wasn’t. He talked a lot, mostly about his personal journey and life, which was of no interest to me at all, But I let him speak. Until he suddenly raised his voice at me and said: “Why the fucking Muslim prays in the street in front of the cathedral and not in the fucking mosque?” He said it angrily. I kept listening. I kept observing. It took me years of my life to learn how to stay calm in such moments when it comes to almost any topic. I don’t react easily. I don’t get angry, especially in the last few years, After burnout taught me silence. I listened to the voice in my head, looked into his eyes, and wondered: What do I see there? Racism? Fear? Ignorance? All of it? I wo...
Read more

To all the versions I once were;

 To all the versions I once was; To the saddest of me, the one who suffered a lot, experienced many emotions for the first time The first time, I couldn’t handle a rejection The first time I was sad about living The first time I experienced loss and death When my grandma passed away, I went to the kitchen to bake a cake, and my mom hit me and told me I was disrespectful! But I was 11 back then, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. No one taught me because no one could. To the first fear, when I first lost my mom at the shops, no one was holding my hand I was scared to death, to feel left behind, to feel the fear in every inch That fear comes with madness, and a lot of crying, you look around like crazy But my 4-year-old me didn’t know better Didn’t know how to come up with ideas beyond imagination, and then I was terrified. To the happy one, once. When I was elected in a competition, and my grandpa cried with happiness He gave me my first phone. And I remember the first time when...
Read more