The story

 It's kinda hard to write about this, to realize that I'm writing it, finally! Having the courage and power to do it.


Let me tell you my favorite story about the man I loved the most in my life, this man who made so many changes in my life and others' as well.

Many years ago, a simple man was born in Yemen, from a nomadic family originally from Arabia. This man was born without parents, with two great sisters, and he was taking care of them, working and playing, a 14-year-old boy at the time; it was normal to be a father. He was playing with a woman, well not from his social level much because she came from a good known family in the region, but they were kids, playing together, until this young girl has to get married, and her brother was telling her it's the time, she couldn't accept any proposal because yeah she's in love with the young man who was playing with her, right! That was the love they knew at that time. She told her brother, "I want to marry this boy," and he told this man, "My sister wants to marry you." What can you offer us? He answered that he is not rich and can't offer much, but he will walk to Makkah and find a house and a job (Makkah is a dream and paradise for many people), and he took the promise to marry a girl who wants to spend the rest of her life with him. From here started the journey.

The way to Makkah:

He started from Yemen, walking, alone going to Makkah the destination, he had many bad and good days, journey for the woman who might be the mother of his kids, a journey to find the truth, a journey to find God and many things behind to discover and see, he met an animal, fight happened, killed the animal with his Yemen traditional knife called (Khanjar), felled on the way, nomad people took him and took care of him for 3 days, then he continued the journey to Makkah, arrived and Makkah that time was so different, a lot of workers from all around the world, wasn't really hard to find whatever job for a boy who is healthy and strong and walked from Yemen to Makkah to find a job, he finally got the job, a house and went back to Yemen to marry the girl who was playing with her. That was the greatest thing that happened to them. They got married, tried to have Fatima, but she died after she was born. They moved to Makkah: Mohammed and his lovely wife, Jamalah; her brother and his wife; and Mohammed's sister, Maryam. They lived in Makkah, had a family, built their own house, making family, Mohammed lost one eyes because he was working as a bakery, change job in his own grocery shops, his 13 daughters and sons went to universities, collage, work, travel, he couldn't read and write, but he wanted to make sure that all his family can read and write and have education. Until 1994, when his youngest son, Mousa, wanted to go to Canada, but his older brother said, "No, you'll stay, have a family, work, and be with our parents." Mousa married Samira ...



My childhood:

I was born in 1996 and grew up with my grandparents, the second child, easy to treat, and a little troublemaker. My mom was studying, my father was working, and my grandparents were so in love with us because we loved spending time with them, watching cartoons, and having a lot of sweets. It was heaven when my parents wanted to hang out, and we just stayed with my grandparents. I had a lot of memories with them that felt like memories with my parents. If they said no, then it's no. I had a great life next to them, a lovely childhood with them until 2009. When something unexpected happen, our grandma, Aljamalah, Mohammed's lover, our heaven, passed away, Aljamalah died: my grandpa Mohammed screaming like crazy... that year was the sad year we had in the whole family, I couldn't understand what that means to lose someone you lived with for more than 80 years together, and he was your everything and everyone, that was the first time I see my grandpa cried like an old baby and hugging her, he was saying: I was born with no parents but this is the first time I feel I'm an orphan, she was home and now I'm homeless... how hard that was to hear from my big heroes, the love story I lived for many years, the real love I found and saw between them,,, the real suffering starting after she died, my grandpa was talking to her every night like usual, crying every time he looks at her pictures and kissing her, she wasn't the most beautiful woman in the world, but she was his woman, his shoulder, his home and safe place, she left her home, family, life and friends to start over and start again with him, she was his best and close friends, he told me that he always feels stronger next to her, so weak in front of her. He was asking God every year to meet her, for a long, long time ... until!


The breakup:

In the period of time I was in a relationship with someone I thought we'll live our grandparents stories, loving each other like crazy and holding each other and been so supportive, we were for 3 years until my grandpa got so sick that I was expecting his death news anytime, I cried a lot that night and prayed a lot, I always had a dream to make a wedding with my grandpa, and he can see my man before he leaves us, I asked my partner that time to at least send him a voice message, I was in a bad situation, miserable, weak, like a lost child searching for a hope to see his mother, I felt so sorry for me that time, I wasn't in the mood to check my phone if my partner even texted because I was in a horrible moment to lose the first love of my life, my grandpa. Gladly, my grandpa went out of the hospital, recovered, I was so happy to see him alive again, and from that moment I worked hard to get myself prepared, to spend more time with him, to pray for him, and I didn't receive anything from that partner, no voice message, no greetings, nothing, just silent. I was shocked to find myself in this with someone I felt so much in love with, but my love for my grandpa was stronger than any love I could have. I texted him, and he told me that God is with him and with you. I couldn't believe this answer from a life partner! That was not an acceptable answer. After one month of silence in my worst days, we broke up. It was so hard later, but I feel so glad that I learned to let the people we love go and live their own lives, and to see the rest of our lives... After him, I actually had so many doubts about trusting again or leaning on someone; I was too independent to be in a relationship or to meet someone. I took the good after it, and I just left as we all gonna do.


New partner!

After that I saw the real me, alone, with the much love and wisdom from my grandpa, 1 spend more time with him, giving the love I had from him in the last years, share him my small and big secrets, my grandpa became my partner in life, my hero, my teacher, I was looking forward to spending the time with him, hugging him, asking him wired questions and got different answers every time, I always felt he has the wisdom in this planet, he told me so many amazing things he saw in his journeys, he was a traveler, with the traveler spirit, coming to Makkah, capital of the world and cultures, it suits him to be here, it suits me to be grown up here as well, years over years, he got old, I started travelling as well, discovering the other part of the world that he couldn't discover, he was supporting the idea of traveling and going to Germany, he supported me with everything he could do for me, so many things changed after this partnership, I knew I wasn't look for someone else because he was so enough for me...


Moving out:

Moving to Germany wasn't that hard as moving from Makkah, to let Makkah and the people there go was so hard for me, to know that I won't see my grandpa every day wasn't easy to accept, it took me so much time to realize this, I'm not sure if I really did, but I'm still doing, moving to Germany was hard because I barely can see him, barely travel to him, from every week meeting becomes to every year meeting, last time was in August 2019, I went to his old traditional lovely house, he was asleep, I kept kissing his hands and head like this is the last time I'll see him, I didn't know why! thought like that but it happened this way, I cried a lot that time, fighting my thoughts between the feeling of this is the last time and between Ghadir don't be stupid you'll see him again, I kept that feeling inside me and just ignored it, but I couldn't ignore my dreams of my family every day, the messages I got from them in my dreams, I couldn't, it happened to me everyday.


2020:

Day after day, Corona came, things closed, borders, no way to travel back, ok, what about my grandpa? Do I wanna see him? No, sorry, you can't travel. My ID is gonna expired. I need to travel, you can't. We were locked down, doing so many things, and seeing your lovely people. It's been more than a year since I last saw my family. Baba, please take care of each other until I come back and see you all. Day after day and moving to Berlin during COVID-19 and feeling so excited meeting new people in the street and making friends, yes friends, three nice people with 10 years old white dog, walking in Berlin for long as possible, November 22:00 me try to tell them that I had to leave after telling my grandpa story, after crying of missing him so much and enjoy telling the story of the heroes of my life, and they ask me about the age and I said happily he still alive, 23:00 told them that I have to leave, I took the tram going home, listing to nice music, texting a stranger I met in the street about life and how to connect as humans. 23:30 l got a wired message from my brother, Hamoodi I don't remember we message this time, he sent wired letters that I thought someone is hacking his number, but I remembered that was my family way to call us in WhatsApp, I answered and my face is happy from the music and the weather, he wrote with sad face: Lo ga" our grandpa died. I said hahaha stop joking, and he replied

our grandpa passed away...

The dark night:

I was screaming in shock. It is impossible that he just died now. Why now? Why him? WTF this is all shit about, is just a drama to get me back, I wanted to go back to see them any way no need for drama, I kept walking like crazy lost that night, I didn't feel anything, anyone, asking God to take me instead of him, feeling how life is just a jock, kept crying and screaming, alone in a foreigner country, no family or friends alone, facing my hero and love person death alone, it was so hard, so dark, so lonely, and so sad, it feels the world has no colors and no taste, nothing was there, only me in silent world feeling nothing, seeing nothing, it was the first time I feel my heart stop moving and nothing was there just my fast heart beats, my legs can't hold me anymore, I set on the ground in the street screaming and asking for help, asking God to send me some mercy and strength to keep on moving, to keep alive, to die if it's better for me, I felt I lost all my people, and all my reasons, and my heroes and all my friends, I felt so lonely and alone, like the world lost its light, and there's no more light here, so dark and cold and sad. I was born with parents but I felt I'm so orphan, I have so many friends but I felt I lost all of them, the shine, the smile, the love and the life... after him there's nothing making sense and I'm still asking God to give me the strength to handle the things I can't handle, and the power to keep myself strong, health and happy.

The end.

Thanks for reading

To all the versions I once was;

I HAVE NO ENERGY LEFT

“I HAVE NO ENERGY LEFT” I said that after doing my best. I have no fight left in me for those who have no dignity, for those who are different in a good or bad way, just different. The ones who don’t align with my values. The ones who choose themselves over others, Who listens to one side and refuse to hear the other. Who thinks twice before giving, who think twice before loving, who think twice about sharing their food not only that, but carry such heavy moods they make you question your own goodness, as if it’s not enough, or not as worthy as theirs. Those who see the world differently who decides who is right and who is wrong, who deserves land more than another, Who deserves a visa? a paper, or even a mother. To the politicians’ anger. To women-haters. I had no energy left in me. To those who cannot dream. To those who do not dare. To live life I wish to spare myself. To the greedy. To the needy. To the ones who do not dare to dream, yet still dare to scream!
Read more

Take wisdom from the mouths of crazy people

"It’s not about being right; it's about observing people." -Vailcan people- It was the first thing this drunk man said. It was kind of interesting. He came closer and kept talking. The first thought that came to my mind was: “Take wisdom from the mouths of crazy people.” Somehow, it was true until it wasn’t. He talked a lot, mostly about his personal journey and life, which was of no interest to me at all, But I let him speak. Until he suddenly raised his voice at me and said: “Why the fucking Muslim prays in the street in front of the cathedral and not in the fucking mosque?” He said it angrily. I kept listening. I kept observing. It took me years of my life to learn how to stay calm in such moments when it comes to almost any topic. I don’t react easily. I don’t get angry, especially in the last few years, After burnout taught me silence. I listened to the voice in my head, looked into his eyes, and wondered: What do I see there? Racism? Fear? Ignorance? All of it? I wo...
Read more

To all the versions I once were;

 To all the versions I once was; To the saddest of me, the one who suffered a lot, experienced many emotions for the first time The first time, I couldn’t handle a rejection The first time I was sad about living The first time I experienced loss and death When my grandma passed away, I went to the kitchen to bake a cake, and my mom hit me and told me I was disrespectful! But I was 11 back then, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. No one taught me because no one could. To the first fear, when I first lost my mom at the shops, no one was holding my hand I was scared to death, to feel left behind, to feel the fear in every inch That fear comes with madness, and a lot of crying, you look around like crazy But my 4-year-old me didn’t know better Didn’t know how to come up with ideas beyond imagination, and then I was terrified. To the happy one, once. When I was elected in a competition, and my grandpa cried with happiness He gave me my first phone. And I remember the first time when...
Read more